How To Make a Shitty Bed for Your Ungrateful Dog

This all started back when we had a bad thunderstorm and Lola decided that she would seek shelter in my closet. It was the middle of the night and she was making quite the racket because it turns out it's kind of hard for 150 pounds of dog to get comfortable in a closet. I eventually gave in and threw a blanket on the ground in there for her so she would hopefully settle down. She liked it and ended up wanting to hang out in there all the time, so I needed something a bit more permanent than my big winter comforter, cause it's going to get cold again eventually and I'll have to take it back.

Lola laying "in" my closet on my comforter.

Supplies:

• The cheapest memory foam mattress topper (Full Size) that you can find at Wal-Mart
• An old twin size flat sheet
• Your sewing machine and thread

Instructions (follow these exactly or you bed will not turn out very shitty):

• Fold the memory foam in half the short way (hamburger way, not hot dog way)
• Haphazardly cut along the crease

Cut it very carefully

• Take your twin bed sheet and fold it around the two mattress halves (stacked on top of one another)
• Haphazardly mark along the two sides of the sheet where you need to hem it, leave one end open like a pillow case for easy cleaning.
• Spend no less than 30 minutes figuring out how to use your sewing machine, even though you have used your sewing machine several times before.

Screw you, bobbin.

•  Sew a somewhat straight line kinda close to where you marked the lines you were supposed to sew on, and then haphazardly cut off the excess fabric.

Basically just be real fucking haphazard about everything.

• Shove the two pieces of memory foam into your pillow case
• Watch your dog enjoy this comfy bed you created just for them!

Aww, she loves it!

She's enjoying a treat on her new bed!

• Watch your dog destroy this comfy bed you created just for them.

Lola, what are you doing?!

Lola, noooo!

Lola, STOP!!!

Total cost: $35 + the cost of all the bleach I'm going to have to use washing this thing because only a moron would make a dog bed out of a white sheet. 

The Lists Every Great Dane Owner Could Probably Make

I have loved Great Danes for as long as I can remember. I think they're adorable, and they have the most gentle and goofy personalities. I honestly didn't anticipate exactly how goofy and ridiculous my Great Dane would be. I also did not anticipate how many idiotic comments walking her would garner.

So, without further adieu, if you're thinking about getting a Great Dane, here's every list you'll ever need.


Conversations you will have while you're walking your Great Dane:

• That's a big dog! Wait, you're telling me this dog is not small? My whole life is a lie!

• Wow, what kind of dog is that? She's a Great Dane. Really? I've never seen one that color. Well...they come in this color.

• Wow, what kind of dog is that? She's a Great Dane. Really? He looks more like a lab to me. How many 140 pounds Labrador retrievers have you met? 

• Wow, what kind of dog is that? She's a Great Dane. Wow, he's big! Thank you for believing that I know what kind of dog I have. Now, let's work on calling her a "she".

•  You could put a saddle on that thing! I have never heard that one before! I bet you are really great at parties!

• Gee, he must eat a lot! First of all she is a girl, second of all, not really.

•  Wow! He must make some really big poops! Ah, yes, the conversation starter of the ages: feces.

 Things you will say while walking your Great Dane (or maybe this just Lola):

• Lola, don't eat that!
• Lola, spit it out!

And on that note, things your Great Dane will eat:

• Bags of flour (3 times)
• Entire pot of spaghetti

• Entire Loaves of bread (Probably has happened about 20-30 times if I'm being honest)
• Entire, fresh apple pie on Christmas day
• Tub of Butter
• Jar of peanut butter (3 times)
• An entire pizza
• 30 packs of peanut butter crackers (at once)
• Any dishes that have any sort of food residue on them

Things Great Danes are afraid of:

• Thunder
• Fireworks
• Cats

• The washing machine
• The vacuum
• Plastic bags blowing in the wind
• Statues
• Halloween Decorations

• Fountains
• Puddles
• Water in general
• Storm drains
• Halloween Decorations
• Their own shadow

Things I would trade it for

•  Nothing