Samantha and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Burrito

I recently got a new job in Metairie, so my lunch breaks are now an opportunity to explore what the world of casual dining chain restaurants have to offer. Last week I took advantage of this fact to get a Chipotle burrito. Usually a delicious choice, but not today.

Let me set the stage for you. First of all, I didn’t take my lunch until about 1pm because of a long (and intense) meeting, and if you know me at all you know I go from normal human being to hangry monster by at least 11:30 every day. Second of all, something about the ordering process at Chipotle makes me extremely nervous.  When I walk in I spend the entire time rehearsing what I am going to order in my head, because got forbid you don’t have the Chipotle-rapid-fire-burrito-building procedure memorized. 

Despite my preparations, this is how it goes down every time (Chipotle people denoted with a C):

C: How can I help you?

Me: Uh, can I get a burrito please?

C: [immediately] Cheese?

Me: …Yes. Yes, Cheese.

C: Pinto or Black?

Me: Uh…what?

C: Pinto or black? BEANS. WHAT KIND OF BEANS.

Me: Oh…uh…black. Black beans, please.

C: Whakinnameat

Me: I’m sorry, what?

C: WHAT KIND OF MEAT DO YOU WANT MORON

Me: OH GOD I’M SORRY I WANT CHICKEN PLEASE I’M SO SORRY. [breaks down crying]

You get my drift. 

 

Anyway, I get up to the toppings girl and this is what goes down.

C: Salsa?

Me: A little bit of the spicy salsa, please.

C: What?

Me: A little of the hot salsa, please, just a little.

C: [POURS ENTIRE FUCKING LADLE OF HOT SALSA ONTO BURRITO]

Me:

dramatic reenactment

I basically gave her this evil eye for five seconds, and then she was all “…Corn? Sour cream?”

And then I stewed about how shitty my burrito was while I ate my shitty burrito.