Bitches and Throws: How to Not Be an Asshole During Mardi Gras, A Step-by-Step Guide

Step 1

JUST DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE!

People not being assholes

Really, do you need a list to tell you how not to be an asshole? If you can't control your drunk self enough to not destroy, steal, or break other people's shit then stay home, you are an asshole. If you are going to be rude to other people and/or try to start fights when drinking, stay home, you are an asshole. If you can't understand that the Mardi Gras spirit is actually all about giving and not about getting, stay home, you are an asshole.

It's that easy!

How To Make a Shitty Bed for Your Ungrateful Dog

This all started back when we had a bad thunderstorm and Lola decided that she would seek shelter in my closet. It was the middle of the night and she was making quite the racket because it turns out it's kind of hard for 150 pounds of dog to get comfortable in a closet. I eventually gave in and threw a blanket on the ground in there for her so she would hopefully settle down. She liked it and ended up wanting to hang out in there all the time, so I needed something a bit more permanent than my big winter comforter, cause it's going to get cold again eventually and I'll have to take it back.

Lola laying "in" my closet on my comforter.

Supplies:

• The cheapest memory foam mattress topper (Full Size) that you can find at Wal-Mart
• An old twin size flat sheet
• Your sewing machine and thread

Instructions (follow these exactly or you bed will not turn out very shitty):

• Fold the memory foam in half the short way (hamburger way, not hot dog way)
• Haphazardly cut along the crease

Cut it very carefully

• Take your twin bed sheet and fold it around the two mattress halves (stacked on top of one another)
• Haphazardly mark along the two sides of the sheet where you need to hem it, leave one end open like a pillow case for easy cleaning.
• Spend no less than 30 minutes figuring out how to use your sewing machine, even though you have used your sewing machine several times before.

Screw you, bobbin.

•  Sew a somewhat straight line kinda close to where you marked the lines you were supposed to sew on, and then haphazardly cut off the excess fabric.

Basically just be real fucking haphazard about everything.

• Shove the two pieces of memory foam into your pillow case
• Watch your dog enjoy this comfy bed you created just for them!

Aww, she loves it!

She's enjoying a treat on her new bed!

• Watch your dog destroy this comfy bed you created just for them.

Lola, what are you doing?!

Lola, noooo!

Lola, STOP!!!

Total cost: $35 + the cost of all the bleach I'm going to have to use washing this thing because only a moron would make a dog bed out of a white sheet. 

Beyonce + Jay-Z On the Run Tour: A Play By Play

If you missed out on the Jay-Z and Beyonce concert in NOLA last night I feel bad for you, son. It was flawless (it woke up like that), but if your hard knock life didn't allow you to buy tickets I've gathered some highlights.

• We arrive at the Super Dome and find our seats. It smells like fried eggs.
• The concert begins a full hour and a half late. Since a Kardashian Anniversary is 72 days, I am officially declaring that anyone over 72 minutes late to an event shall henceforth be referred to as "Beyonce Late".
• Beyonce had so many lights during Flawless that I am pretty sure she was trying to cause another power outage in the Super Dome.
• Jay-Z and Beyonce hugged at the end of Drunk In Love, it was definitely an "aw" moment.
• The girl in front of us did some serious hairography to Holy Grail (of all songs?).
• Beyonce sang Justin Timberlake's part of Holy Grail and it made me wish she sang it originally (perhaps this explains the hairography).
• Beyonce danced on her penis chair for Partition.

• During Izzo (H.O.V.A.) they showed several celebrity mugshots on the big screen, and the audience let out a collective Nelson-From-The-Simpsons-Style "Ha-Ha" at Justin Bieber's mugshot.

• Everyone cheered for Tupac's mugshot. Not sure why, he hasn't come out with anything good since the 90's. 

• Also during Izzo they showed this (at least) 60 year old white guy in a suit in the front row rapping along and he instantly became everyone's hero. I really hope he makes it into the HBO special.
• In general Beyonce reminded us that we are all inferior dancers.
• The final was adorable and showed Bey and Jay's home videos. My favorite was one with Jay-Z doing push-ups with Blue Ivy on his back. He tried to sit on Blue Ivy's back for her to do some push-ups and she adorably failed. 

That pretty much covers it.  I highly recommend U Upgrade and watch the HBO special when it comes out if you missed the concert.

The Lists Every Great Dane Owner Could Probably Make

I have loved Great Danes for as long as I can remember. I think they're adorable, and they have the most gentle and goofy personalities. I honestly didn't anticipate exactly how goofy and ridiculous my Great Dane would be. I also did not anticipate how many idiotic comments walking her would garner.

So, without further adieu, if you're thinking about getting a Great Dane, here's every list you'll ever need.


Conversations you will have while you're walking your Great Dane:

• That's a big dog! Wait, you're telling me this dog is not small? My whole life is a lie!

• Wow, what kind of dog is that? She's a Great Dane. Really? I've never seen one that color. Well...they come in this color.

• Wow, what kind of dog is that? She's a Great Dane. Really? He looks more like a lab to me. How many 140 pounds Labrador retrievers have you met? 

• Wow, what kind of dog is that? She's a Great Dane. Wow, he's big! Thank you for believing that I know what kind of dog I have. Now, let's work on calling her a "she".

•  You could put a saddle on that thing! I have never heard that one before! I bet you are really great at parties!

• Gee, he must eat a lot! First of all she is a girl, second of all, not really.

•  Wow! He must make some really big poops! Ah, yes, the conversation starter of the ages: feces.

 Things you will say while walking your Great Dane (or maybe this just Lola):

• Lola, don't eat that!
• Lola, spit it out!

And on that note, things your Great Dane will eat:

• Bags of flour (3 times)
• Entire pot of spaghetti

• Entire Loaves of bread (Probably has happened about 20-30 times if I'm being honest)
• Entire, fresh apple pie on Christmas day
• Tub of Butter
• Jar of peanut butter (3 times)
• An entire pizza
• 30 packs of peanut butter crackers (at once)
• Any dishes that have any sort of food residue on them

Things Great Danes are afraid of:

• Thunder
• Fireworks
• Cats

• The washing machine
• The vacuum
• Plastic bags blowing in the wind
• Statues
• Halloween Decorations

• Fountains
• Puddles
• Water in general
• Storm drains
• Halloween Decorations
• Their own shadow

Things I would trade it for

•  Nothing

Bounty Paper Towel Commercials are Some Bullshit

Y'all...DAFUQ is up with Bounty commercials? Have you seen this?


. If you don't feel like watching the video, here's the basic run down.

-[big brother is blowing bubbles in his chocolate milk to entertain little brother, spilling chocolate milk all over the table]
-The mother goes, "Oh, look at that! My son is doing that thing I've told him not to do a million times! Isn't that charming? Gee, he sure is making a mess! That's okay though because I love cleaning up messes ever since I got these Bounty paper towels. Look at that, this little brat even managed to get Chocolate milk on the floor, good thing I have these Bounty paper towels. I'll just clean this all up while smiling at my kid and not saying anything to him about the mess he made or asking him to help me clean it up. Actually, I will encourage the younger kid to do the same thing, because I just LOVE any excuse to use these paper towels and not teach my kids manners!"


This has never happened in any house, ever. Not even when paper towels were first invented.This is what a real mom would look like in this situation:

Here's an idea for a real Bounty commercial, starring me and based on a true story.

-[Samantha walks in the door after a long day at work and smells something. Is that...yep...the dog pooped on the floor]
-Good thing I have these Bounty paper towels! These will make cleaning this up easy and fun! That darn dog, always making a mess, let me smile at her fondly while I clean this up...Oh...oh dear. I got some on my hand.
-[cut to me gagging while huddled over the garbage can]

  
-[cut to me furiously scrubbing the floors]
-Voice over: Bounty, because sometimes you need to get poop out of the little cracks in your wood floor.

Samantha and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Burrito

I recently got a new job in Metairie, so my lunch breaks are now an opportunity to explore what the world of casual dining chain restaurants have to offer. Last week I took advantage of this fact to get a Chipotle burrito. Usually a delicious choice, but not today.

Let me set the stage for you. First of all, I didn’t take my lunch until about 1pm because of a long (and intense) meeting, and if you know me at all you know I go from normal human being to hangry monster by at least 11:30 every day. Second of all, something about the ordering process at Chipotle makes me extremely nervous.  When I walk in I spend the entire time rehearsing what I am going to order in my head, because got forbid you don’t have the Chipotle-rapid-fire-burrito-building procedure memorized. 

Despite my preparations, this is how it goes down every time (Chipotle people denoted with a C):

C: How can I help you?

Me: Uh, can I get a burrito please?

C: [immediately] Cheese?

Me: …Yes. Yes, Cheese.

C: Pinto or Black?

Me: Uh…what?

C: Pinto or black? BEANS. WHAT KIND OF BEANS.

Me: Oh…uh…black. Black beans, please.

C: Whakinnameat

Me: I’m sorry, what?

C: WHAT KIND OF MEAT DO YOU WANT MORON

Me: OH GOD I’M SORRY I WANT CHICKEN PLEASE I’M SO SORRY. [breaks down crying]

You get my drift. 

 

Anyway, I get up to the toppings girl and this is what goes down.

C: Salsa?

Me: A little bit of the spicy salsa, please.

C: What?

Me: A little of the hot salsa, please, just a little.

C: [POURS ENTIRE FUCKING LADLE OF HOT SALSA ONTO BURRITO]

Me:

dramatic reenactment

I basically gave her this evil eye for five seconds, and then she was all “…Corn? Sour cream?”

And then I stewed about how shitty my burrito was while I ate my shitty burrito.